I’m going to be honest. Writing posts about faith is scary. It is hard to be vulnerable, and there is a whole different kind of weight to sharing my faith as opposed to telling someone my favorite brownie recipe. I figured the best place to start is to talk about the area I struggle with the most.
I’ve always been a go-getter. In school, sports, and every other aspect of my life. I want to do all the things. And I usually want to do them all at once and right now. Being driven isn’t a bad thing. But anything that gets between me and my relationship with Christ is something I need to consider carefully. So often I feel like I am running past God yelling “I love you but I gotta go so I’ll check in later!” If I did that to the other people in my life (and sometimes I do) the relationship would begin to break down. Not making time for intentional moments and discussions leads to a cold friendship. And too often I will be rushing towards the next thing in life without even talking to my friend Jesus about it.
This way of living always leaves me feeling drained. No matter how many things I accomplish I still find myself wanting more. For example, at one time I was single and wanted a relationship so bad. I thought if only I could meet someone then I would be happy. Then, I ended up dating an amazing guy and I was super happy. But after we started dating I felt certain he was the one and wanted to get married right away. I thought if only we were married then I would be satisfied. Then we got married and it wasn’t long before I brought up having kids. If only we can start a family then I will finally be satisfied. But, once we get to that stage, I know my brain will immediately start thinking about kid #2. It’s just how I’m wired. And it can be really great that I’m so motivated to achieve my goals. But when I’m never satisfied because it feels like there is always something else just around the bend that will finally fill me, that becomes a problem.
So how do we doers fix this problem? Well the short answer is I’m still figuring that one out. It is a daily process of me coming before God and feeling like a small child looking at a shiny new toy while there is a whole toy box full of wonderful things behind me. And what is so amazing about Christ is that like a loving parent, he doesn’t get angry with me. Instead, he asks a simple question. “What do you want?” Let’s look at Jesus’ response to the desires of our heart.
“Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus, was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.” So they called to the blind man, “Cheer up! On your feet! He’s calling you.” Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus. “What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him. The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.” “Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.” -Mark 10:46-52
Now first I want to clarify something. Jesus answering our prayers doesn’t always mean we get what we want. But a few things I believe are clear. First, when we cry out to Jesus he draws near to us. Bartimaeus was sitting by the roadside, and when he heard Jesus was coming he yelled at the top of his lungs. When others told him to be quiet he didn’t give up. He kept pushing towards Jesus. And the Son of God stops for him. How incredible that the creator of the universe set aside everything and made space in that moment to draw close to this one man. Next, comes that incredibly profound question. “What do you want?” I believe the only way for us to truly grow as Christians is to become honest with our desires. I heard someone say once that Jesus isn’t wanting to push down our desires, he is wanting to mature them. To make them more kingdom focused instead of our own little world focused.
With this in mind I am starting to get honest with God. When I come before Him I don’t tell him the pretty Christian answer all wrapped up in a nice looking bow. He asks “What do you want?” Sometimes my answer is more sleep. Sometimes it’s wishing we could start a family. Other times I say I’m frustrated with my life and I’m frustrated with Him. It’s that deep honest answer that brings Him near.
Now that I’ve established an honest relationship it’s time for growth. I work on making space for God to mature my desires. Wanting rest is not a bad thing. Maybe I need to let some things go instead of filling up every hour of my day until there is no room for God. Wanting a family is not a bad thing. But what does God have for me in this season? How is God preparing me for becoming a mother that leads with love and gentleness? What opportunities is He putting in my path that I might miss as I run headlong towards the next phase of life?
I wish I could tell you finding contentment was easy. I wish I could say that achieving whatever goal you are working towards will finally satisfy you. But I can't. Contentment can only be found in Jesus. When we lay our desires before him honestly and hold loosely to our dreams, then we can make room for God to mature us. More of Him. Less of us. More focus on what He can do with this short life we have. Less simply filling up our schedules and lives. It is okay to dream. It is good to pursue goals. It is best to put all our dreams and goals before the Lord so we can glorify Him with our lives.
I hope this will be helpful if you find you are battling against your own self. You are not the only one who feels this way. I would encourage you to talk to God daily and bring your heart before Him. He will not push you away. And I would also encourage you to count your blessings. And I mean that literally. Get a notebook and write down 10 things each day that you are thankful for. A home. A job that pays the bills. A body that is healthy. Family to support me. Friends that care about me. Try to write these things down, and as you do, you will begin to notice them in every aspect of your life. It can help bring goodness into better focus.
Thanks for reading and God bless!
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